Yikes! Duality! I seem to be of two minds about everything, today. I’ve waited so long to be told I can ride my bike anywhere I want to go. Finally I get a good x-ray. I have permission. And now my body hurts so much I don’t want to go very far. Later today, I’ll bike 2.5 miles downtown and 2.5 miles back again. Yesterday I couldn’t do that much. It’s as if my body wants and doesn’t want to be active again.
My mind does the same thing. I want to help my husband set up audio chat through his computer and at the same time, I wish it didn’t take so long and have so many complications. I figure if I wasn’t torn by two desires (help him and have it be easy) that I wouldn’t mind the setbacks. I’ve had days like that – when setbacks were just part of the job. But today I feel conflicted.
The sections I read in Sedona Method are also about duality. In the section about wanting security, Dwoskin also talks about wanting death, taking extreme risks. The assignment is to release on both aspects. In my current mindset, I’m not sure how much of a risk riding my bike is. That may have something to do with my body’s ambivalence.
The other section was about wanting to be separate and wanting to be one. This one I understand. When my children or grandchildren are angry with me, part of me wants a time-out away from them and part of me wants to hug them and throw a switch to turn the anger off. Again, the assignment is to release the thoughts and physical sensations on both aspects.
The final part of this exercise is to dive deeply into the feeling of wanting to be separate and also to dive deeply into the feeling of wanting to be one. I remembered being sent to my room as a child. I was relieved to be away from my angry father. And at the same time, I wished he wasn’t angry. There was never any cause for his anger. Yes he named things like something I’d said or something I didn’t eat. But I never believed those were real reasons. He was just angry and I was just the target. I knew it wasn’t my fault and I felt a deep sense of safety and belonging, not to my father but to a larger and more calm universe. The door to my room symbolized this safety.
Likewise, when I meditate, I feel like I’m at the doorway to that same larger universe. I feel a sense of welcome. But I’m always a guest in this larger universe. It’s always there. I can always go there. But something in me keeps believing that this is NOT home. Something in me feels that there are two ways to behave. This world of rushing around and that world where nothing is in a hurry.
It feels phony to visit the “no hurry” universe, as if it is a separate place, like going to the beach. The question is: can I live in the “no hurry” mode while I’m in the city? I have the sense that if I could, my body would calm down and let me go places without hurting.
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