Monday, September 7, 2009

Sedona Method Day #4

Some of the words and phrases Sedona Method uses to describe grief are:
anguished, heartbroken, guilty, ashamed, betrayed, helpless, cheated, hurt, if only, disappointed, inadequate, distraught, ignored, it’s not fair, loss, regret, misunderstood, mourning, pity, poor me, rejected, unwanted, vulnerable, why me, wounded.

Yes, I wish I had a time machine and I could go back in time and pick a different route to ride my bike on July 6. I wish this accident had never happened! I like being independent and capable. Now, my clients are asking me to refer them to other people to fix their computers. Yes, I have been wishing to get out of the computer repair business, but not this way.

The Sedona Method book suggests I welcome these feelings of grief. These feelings are a tightness in the solar plexus and in the throat. These feelings are isolation incarnate. Welcome them?

This is an experiment. I have determined to see this experiment through. I can experiment with the depth that my body can embody grief. It becomes difficult to breathe. I feel so weighed down that I can’t even ask for help. And when the heaviness becomes unbearable, I remember the next sentences in the book: Would you let it go? When?

And, yes, I have that choice. I can let it go. Now. Or whenever I chose. This is at once amazing and scary. I’m doing an experiment. I chose to allow myself to feel miserable, knowing I can stop it at any time. But since the accident, I’ve wallowed in grief, not knowing I had a choice.

This is in many ways a scary choice to have. Don’t I have an obligation to mourn when friends and relatives die? Isn’t that normal? But if it’s a choice, then it’s phony. Like an actor on a stage. Suspension of disbelief. An actor does it for an audience. For pay. I do not want to be an actor. Part of me wants this freedom from grief. Part of me wonders what sort of human being is free from grief. If emotions are choices, which is what this course is teaching, I would not voluntarily choose grief.

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