Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Sedona Method Day #5

Several people have written me that Sedona Method looks like a form of self-torture. I’ve dealt with grief and anger many times in my life – each time I felt clobbered – and I thrashed around looking for a way out of the dark slippery pit. It takes months. Having Sedona Method is like having a bar of soap to wash my slimy hands and a rope ladder dangling along the wall. The rope may cut into my hands and feet a bit, but it gets me up and out more quickly.

I switched physical therapists because I wasn’t making progress. I call my new exercises ouch-ercises, but I’m gaining range of motion with my left arm. I don’t enjoy pain. But if there is pain along the path to progress, then I’ll endure it.

The next emotion Sedona Method explores is Fear.
Fear of getting hurt, no matter what we try.
Words and phrases the book uses to describe fear include:
apprehensive, cautious defensive, distrust, embarrassed, nervous, scared, shaky, shy, terrified, trapped, vulnerable, wary and worry.

I rode my bike to the gym today. My husband, the alien, carried it downstairs for me. He rode with me. He swam with me. He rode home with me. He carried the bike upstairs for me into our living room when we got home. He thinks I need protecting. That’s sweet of him. But at the same time, I want my independence.

I looked everywhere for cars. Even when I didn’t see any nearby, sometimes they came close enough to cut me off as I went through intersections. One nearly crowded my husband into a parked car. I don’t want to wind up in the hospital again – either as the one being treated, or as a visitor. I know being afraid of an accident has no impact on the likelihood of an accident occurring. So what? Fear is not logical!

Again, the book says to welcome the feeling of fear as best I can. I allow my body to shake, my muscles to tense, my heart rate to increase. It feels like an old habit. It’s the fight-or-flight response gone into disconnect. There is no one to fight. No place to run. I’ve got the energy for either, and the only place to expend it is attacking my own body. That does not satisfy me in any way.

Can I let it go? I feel like my body has become one of those popper push toys where the colored balls keep bouncing against the clear plastic dome. The supply of colored balls feels infinite. It is a real question – can I let them all go? Will there ever be an end to them? It was so easy to fill up with them. Pop pop pop. Why does it take so long to let them out? Deep breaths. Soak in a bath tub of hot salty water.. This is an experiment. I did not lose my temper. I knew it was an experiment. I willed this on myself.

Toddlerz Push Toy - Corn Popper

This is what I do to myself when I am frightened. The earlier I catch myself the easier it will be to let the popper balls out. What I really need is a new way to think about things so the popper balls don’t attack.

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