Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Children Say the Funniest Things


Children say the funniest things.  Even children in their 40's.

My Republican son-in-law had bet several friends $100 each that Romney would win by a landslide.  

When he had to pay up, he paid in $1 dollar bills, and he brought puzzles for his friends’ children.  He told his friends that after their children solved the puzzles, they had to say, “You didn’t build that.”

It was hard to not to giggle.  He seemed so serious, so proud of himself.

I said, “They didn’t build that all by themselves.”

My son-in-law looked at me as if he was working very hard to remain polite.  So, I pressed my advantage.

I said, “Somebody designed that puzzle. Somebody manufactured it. Somebody sold it. You bought it. You brought it to the children.  They were part of the process – they solved the puzzle. It took a lot of people to make that possible.”

I’ll give my son-in-law credit.  He dropped the argument and changed the subject. 

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Squeaking Around


Before I got my new ceramic hip, the surgeon warned me that sometimes the hips squeak. There are plenty of videos on youtube if you want to know what this sounds like.

I figured squeaking was better than losing my mobility.  I’ve had this hip for a year and a half now.  On a rainy day last weak, I was out walking my dog, and it squeeeeeeaked.  First, it felt like my hip wasn’t going to move, and then when it did move: squEEEEEK. SqueEEEEEK.

The hip hadn’t squeaked before. It hadn’t squeaked in the house.  It only squeaked when I was outside in the cold winter rain, walking my dog. It stopped squeaking when I was inside again.

I looked up ceramic hip squeaking on the web. It is most common in people with small bones –me. And in people who take long strides – me when I’m walking my dog.  I just got this young healthy dog last August.  He rushes me to the Art Museum where we dash up the steps like Rocky three or four times a week.  My stride has been getting longer.

But I suspected there was more to it.  

For the evening dog walking adventure, I put my microwaveable hip heating pad in the microwave for 2 minutes and then strapped it on.  Same dog. Same cold rainy weather – perhaps colder.  But I only had 3 mild squeaks during the whole walk.  

The next day I was meeting a friend to walk dogs together.  We started at 6:30 in the morning.  I put on the heating pad – it stays warm for about an hour.  I had a couple of very mild squeaks.  Then the heating pad cooled off, and I got more squeaks.  So, temperature has something to do with how the hip pieces fit together.

Then I went to yoga class, where we worked on tree pose.  The teacher talked us through using inner and outer leg muscles on both legs, no matter which one we were standing on.

http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/496

She had us lift up out of the hip socket.  This was easy on my leg with my natural hip and a nest of weak muscles in my leg with the new hip. 

I practiced standing in front of a mirror, using the weak muscles in my left leg.  My whole body made a subtle shift to the right.  I looked like I was standing up straighter.

So, now I have two things I can do to minimize squeaking – a heating pad, and exercise.  I think I’m the first person to record these experiments – nobody else who has written about squeaking hips has mentioned ways to make it stop.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

My Knit-Tit is NOT a Bunny


This is a bunny.





This is a Knit-Tit





This is Roar





This is what Roar does to bunnies






A friend was curious about my mastectomy and the prosthesis I wear, rather than having reconstruction surgery.  I was wearing a turtleneck, and didn’t feel like trying to reach down my shirt and pull my knit-tit out of the pocket in my bra, so I went to my bedroom and brought back a spare knit-tit to show her.  She played with it briefly and put it down on the coffee table.  

Roar had recently pulled the both the squeaker and the stuffing out of his last intact bunny.  He saw my knit-tit and leaped.  He was sure this was his new bunny.  He sank his fangs in and dashed madly.  The last bunny made it for 5 months.  I didn’t give my knit-tit 5 minutes, and it doesn’t even have a squeaker.

Roar dashed around the room.  Then he brought his new bunny to me, hoping for a game of tug of war.  Instead I cuddled him. He squirmed.  My friend and I laughed.  I held him while my friend gently pried the knit-tit out of his jaws.

Then I threw a worse-for-wear bunny across the room.  He leapt out of my lap and dashed madly.  I ran to my bedroom and hid my knit-tit safely in a drawer.

I thought about writing the bunny company.  Bunnies cost about $6.  Knit-tits cost $12, and they don’t even have squeakers.  Maybe the bunny company could have a side-line. A double-duty product.  Prosthetics that double as dog-playthings.  But dogs really love squeakers, and I don’t want to squeak whenever I hug someone.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Images in the Night


Last week, I woke up with a totally inappropriate image in my mind.
I’m Jewish by birth and by culture. I do not practice any religion.  I frequently attend Quaker Meeting because it’s a chance to meditate with a group for an hour. No sermons, no songs. Just meditating and the occasional spoken insight by a meditator.

Then I woke up with this:



http://www.cafepress.com/WithHim

I have had experiences that felt like communion with the Creator. And when I’ve heard a voice (which happens rarely) it has been a male voice.  The image seemed like it belongs on a t-shirt.  But it is not a t-shirt I would wear.   I tried sending the design to a Christian t-shirt company, but they didn’t get back with me.

I sent the image to a friend.  She suggested that I should do the equal opportunity t-shirt.


http://www.cafepress.com/WithHer


So, I built  WithHim and WithHer shops, both at CafePress and Zazzle.  I thought the arrows should be on the back of the shirts so, they wouldn’t appear to point at the face of the wearer.  My husband thought the symbol was phallic and definitely should be on the back.  Zazzle doesn’t offer that option.  I prefer the textures of the shirts at Zazzle, but the lack of a print-on-back option is a drawback.  Nevertheless, both shirts are available at both shops.


Then my husband suggested I was missing out on the humor market, so I created this t-shirt.  Since I’d already used the name WithHim, this one is called WithSatan.


http://www.cafepress.com/WithSatan


This design does belong on the front of the shirt.  It’s silly, so it may as well be phallic, too.

Now comes the next problem – how do I reach the audience who might buy these t-shirts?  I don’t hang out with the personalities who would wear any of them.

I've never questioned the story ideas that come to me -- I enjoy writing the stories.  It was fun to create these graphics -- but I have no idea why this image came to me.