Friday, August 8, 2014

My Prosthetic Floats

The owner at my gym asked me if I had a bikini for summer.  I think he was teasing, and he’s been hitting on me lately, which I think is totally inappropriate. So, I took this as an opportunity to give him a straight line and possibly turn him off at the same time.  “Of course. I need one to hold my prosthetic.”

I’ve tried the one-piece mastectomy swimsuits.   After the suit is thoroughly wet, the prosthetic sinks down and down, closer to my waistline.  With a bikini, there’s no place for the prosthetic to go.

Or so I thought.  I swam my quarter mile plus 2 laps.  As the swimming season goes on, I become stronger and more vigorous. I climbed out of the pool, and took off my goggles. As I was walking to the shower, I saw the 20-something lifeguard starring at my chest.  This man can’t even be bothered to watch people swim, and here he was looking at a grannie chest?   Something wasn’t right here. 

I looked down.  Half my swimsuit top was empty.  Back on with the goggles. Back into the pool.  Slowly, I did breast stroke up and down the lanes where I had been swimming freestyle, so I could keep my face in the water.  Nothing.  

My swimming prosthetic is clear silicone.  I asked another woman who was swimming to be on the lookout for it.  She asked, “Does it float?”  I told her, “I don’t think so.”

Meanwhile, my husband, the alien, was scanning the pool as he walked along side it.  He pointed at a rather large looking bubble about 10 feet from me.  I swam over to investigate.  “It floats!”

I guess I gave the swimsuit a rough ride, and the prosthetic bailed.   Now I have to find my bottle of water-proof glitter and paint spots on it, so I can find it more easily if it escapes again.

And the company needs a new slogan: The Prostheic that Floats.  I stuffed the fake boob back into its pocket, and climbed out again.  I never did tell the lifeguard what happened. 

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