Friday, March 13, 2015

Zumba - Not

While rowing on the rowing machine, I got into a conversation with another geezer-chick. She likes Zumba.  She assured me that the teacher on Saturday mornings taught modifications and variations on every step.  At least 3 levels of difficulty.  I spoke with the teacher, and he confirmed – this class is safe for people who can’t do deep bends or fast wiggles.

So, I decided to try it.  The first thing I noticed was that my enticer wasn’t there.  The second thing I noticed was that the teacher wasn’t there.  We were having a substitute.  Having been a substitute teacher in public schools, I decided to stay and give her a chance.

She put on the music and started to wiggle. And Jiggle. And Twerk. And practically jet across the room hips gyrating in time to music as fast as a sewing machine. Twerking while balancing on one foot.  She seemed to have an invisible lover on a palate who moved around the room with her. She kept lifting one leg and straddling him.  Yes, she was fully clothed – but with an invisible lover, I guess that doesn’t matter.

She kept this up for an hour.  No modifications. No variations. Just follow her doing her impossible hip waggles. The 20-somethings in the class followed her easily.  We had a room full of invisible lovers on invisible palates ready for them. Lift that leg, point that toe, extend that thigh. Now bring it down. Twerking the whole time.

The best I could do was wiggle and try to move my hips.

The instructor never said a word.  On the way out, a gym employee wanted the class to fill out a satisfaction survey.  The 20-somethings eagerly took the forms or just shouted, “Give her all Excellents.”  I guess the invisible lovers pleased them.

I didn’t take one.  Why bother? I’m never going to Zumba again.

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