Friday, March 13, 2015
Zumba - Not
While rowing on the rowing machine, I got into a conversation with another geezer-chick. She likes Zumba. She assured me that the teacher on Saturday mornings taught modifications and variations on every step. At least 3 levels of difficulty. I spoke with the teacher, and he confirmed – this class is safe for people who can’t do deep bends or fast wiggles.
So, I decided to try it. The first thing I noticed was that my enticer wasn’t there. The second thing I noticed was that the teacher wasn’t there. We were having a substitute. Having been a substitute teacher in public schools, I decided to stay and give her a chance.
She put on the music and started to wiggle. And Jiggle. And Twerk. And practically jet across the room hips gyrating in time to music as fast as a sewing machine. Twerking while balancing on one foot. She seemed to have an invisible lover on a palate who moved around the room with her. She kept lifting one leg and straddling him. Yes, she was fully clothed – but with an invisible lover, I guess that doesn’t matter.
She kept this up for an hour. No modifications. No variations. Just follow her doing her impossible hip waggles. The 20-somethings in the class followed her easily. We had a room full of invisible lovers on invisible palates ready for them. Lift that leg, point that toe, extend that thigh. Now bring it down. Twerking the whole time.
The best I could do was wiggle and try to move my hips.
The instructor never said a word. On the way out, a gym employee wanted the class to fill out a satisfaction survey. The 20-somethings eagerly took the forms or just shouted, “Give her all Excellents.” I guess the invisible lovers pleased them.
I didn’t take one. Why bother? I’m never going to Zumba again.