Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Idiomatic Insults

I don’t keep up with slang.  Especially insults. Never have.  In junior high, “bitchin” sounded like an insult, so I never used the word.

Lately I have received an email from a man who called me a name I didn’t recognize, followed by a link to his website. He informed me that this term was an insult. He even told me to click the link and “look it up.”  Like I care what his made-up insult is supposed to refer to?  They’re all sex, toilet, and intellect jokes. Which one he chose is of no interest.

Then a woman I with whom I was arguing on facebook ended her argument by typing “bite me.”

I know she’s not a gold coin. There’s no purpose in biting her to determine if she is real gold or a fake.  But, what if she was one of those chocolate coins in a foil wrapper?  There is a good reason to bite them.  So, I could not resist.  I typed, “Why? Are you delicious?”

Then a man entered our argument.  He asked if he could watch while “you ladies get it on.”

I do not think this woman will be typing “bite me” any time soon again.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

The Wide Path and the Narrow One

When I studied comparative religions in college, I learned the terms Mahayana and Hinayana, meaning the Wide Path and the Narrow Path.  I understood that the Hinayana path meant becoming a monk and living in a monastery.  I thought maybe the Mahayana path meant going to religious services once a week.

The Mayahana path was for most people and the Hinayana path was for a few people who were simply cut out for it.

Not being cut out for the life of a monk, I was interested to learn more about the Mahayana path, but nothing I could find made much sense.  Until yesterday when I stumbled on a website that wasn’t even talking about Hindu religion or different paths.

The website focused on thinking.  When we see dirty dishes in the sink we can think “I’ll wash them now,” or “I won’t wash them now,” or “I wish there weren’t dirty dishes in the sink.”  That’s pretty much it, as far as choices of what to think. (Okay, there are alternative: I think I’ll paint a picture of the dirty dishes, or I think I’ll write a poem about the dirty dishes, or I think I’ll write a story about somebody who has dirty dishes in his sink, but ultimately, the artist will decide – to wash or not to wash – that is the question.)  The first two choices are realistic choices.  They see the truth – the sink has dirty dishes.

In other words, the Mahayana path is the path of choices – what do we do NOW?  And the easier we make it on ourselves – sticking to the action choices, the simpler the path becomes.

It’s all a matter of choices. It’s hard to train the brain not to wish reality was different. That is the big challenge of the Mahayana path.

The Hinayana path is the path of no choices.  The monastery has a routine. Monks follow that routine. The only breaks in a monk’s routine come when the unexpected happens, like illness or natural disaster.  I’m sure the monastery has guidelines for these unexpected events, too. Yes, a monk could think “I wish there were no dirty dishes in the sink” but that thought would not affect his actions. And when thoughts cannot affect actions, they serve no practical function.  The one choice – to give up all choices – is the challenge of the Hinayana path – and that choice can be made an infinite number of times.

My choice was to blog about this topic which has intrigued me for decades.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Breaking in to a Dead Man's Computer

A client called me.  One of her co-workers had gifted her a laptop computer that used to belong to her recently deceased husband.  My client wanted me to check it out and put it on her network.

The computer looked okay – the keys were clean, the monitor was clean.

The first screen gave us a choice of Windows 7 or Vista. This indicated that the computer was probably 8 years old.  In my view, that’s pushing the lifespan of a viable computer.

I chose 7.  It failed to boot.

I chose Vista.  

We got the login screen.  The User ID photo was a woman’s crotch.  No comment.  I asked my client if she knew the computer’s password.  She didn’t.

I requested the password hint. The hint was Cat.  

I asked, “Did the husband have a cat?”

“Yes, Garfield.”

I tried Garfield, GARFIELD, garfield.  They all failed.

I looked again at that User ID photo.  By this time, my client was watching me work.  I suggested “Pussy.”  She laughed.  That wasn’t the password.  Also not pussy or PUSSY. We tried Kitty.  Not the password.

I went online on another computer on her network and searched for slang terms meaning vagina.
Cunt and Snatch didn’t work either.  Then I started finding some names I’d never seen before – but names that would not work for a cat.  Wizard’s sleeve. The Grandest Canyon.

My client said she’d been thinking about asking some of her teenaged male students to help with the computer.  Now she was glad she hadn’t.  She’d never live it down.

I asked my client if she still had her Windows 7 installation disk.  She did.  The DVD drive on the laptop was broken.  Next stop, I’ll bring a USB DVD drive and reinstall Windows 7.  

Guessing a dead-man’s password clearly isn’t one of my talents.